Saturday, May 3, 2008

Temper Tantrums - Unfortunately they aren't just for 2 year olds!

So have you seen this show on TLC - Jon and Kate Plus 8? Jon and Kate couldn't have kids so they went through fertility treatments and had twins and 3 or 4 years later went through treatment again and had sextuplets. The show focuses on their life with 8 young kids and to me I think John and Kate are keeping it real (why do I want to type a Randy Jackson-ish "Dawg!" at the end of that sentence?) - they argue, the kids act up, Kate belittles Jon, etc. They manage to go on many outings and I'm really surprised that they haven't become "John and Kate Plus 5 or 6 cuz we lost one at the zoo and another 2 haven't surfaced after yesterday's trip to the mall"

In our household recently we were seriously considering becoming "Denise and Dan Plus One" as we were just about ready to list Erin on E-Bay to see how much we could get for her. Frankly, we may have even considered paying a small price for someone to take her.

We've recently had three very serious incidents where for whatever reason something ticked Erin off and resulted in the spawn of Linda Blair's vomit spewing, head rotating Exorcist character and Godzilla taking up residence in our house.



plus this


equals this????????????


Thankfully there was no actual vomit at our house (oops - I forgot the 3 am dog emptying her stomach of assorted Easter candy and wrappings vomiting that happened Sunday night) but there was some definite head rotating, crying, stomping of feet, fire breathing, stomping of small homes and other generally unappreciated behaviours.

Now we don't ask much of our kids - keep your room clean (well, we do ask!), eat what we put in front of you (even though you hated it the last 17 times we had it), be polite (funny, we didn't put any qualifiers on this like "be polite in school and in public" but apparently this is all we are getting), play nicely with your sister (obviously far too much to ask of them), etc. We don't ask them to scrub toilets, eat out of garbage bins or to work in a sweat shop 20 hours a day. Come to think of it, they do like to scrub toilets but they generally ask me if they can do that. Last weekend I guess I asked too much of Linda Blair-zilla - I asked her to have a bath or shower. The nerve of me to request such a thing, especially from the girl that loves to splash amongst her bath toys until she is all wrinkly toes and fingers. Apparently tho, it was too much and pandemonium in the form of a titanic tantrum ensued. Did I mention that Erin is far removed from 2. She'll be 7 this week.

I have a theory on the terrible twos. Seems, amongst my crowd of friends anyway, that most people have their second child right around the 2nd birthday of their previous child. Wouldn't you be a little ticked off if you were your parents' pride and joy and then along came this bundle of poop baby powder scented sweetness that got attention when ever it cried? Don't tell me you wouldn't cry too. And if that wouldn't work you would then resort to kicking, screaming, flailing arms and as a final act, an all out rolling on the floor fit? I'm seriously thinking I should go to grad school and develop this as my thesis. I'm sure lots of parents would drop their temper tantrumming 2 year olds off with me to study.

I tell you, when Allie was 2 (which coincidentally occurred 3 weeks before Erin was born) I was sometimes scared to go out in public. Really scared. How this sweet little child could instantly turn into the Tasmanian devil (emphasis on devil!) was beyond me.

Cute tasmanian devil - 1095000_25tas_devil

Slightly ticked off tasmanian devil - angry

Now the experts say that when these fits and tantrums occur the parent should explain in simple terms the consequences for such behaviour - usually removal from the situation. Well, let me tell you...the experts obviously didn't have $200 worth of food and sundries (always wanted to use that word!) in their grocery carts. They didn't just spend 2 hours lovingly selecting nothing but the best for their family - organic fruits, trans fat free cookies and lean cuts of the choicest meats (mind you, neither did I - we're all about yogurt in a tube, apple sauce in a plastic cup and the occasional pogo stick.) Damn those experts - there is no way I would be leaving my groceries behind (crappy as they may be) just to remove my screaming toddler from the grocery store to alleviate stress on other peoples' usually enjoyable shopping experience. Besides, when you try to put a tantrumming child into a car seat they go stiff as a board and won't bend in the middle like they are supposed to. Thankfully they only need to be in car seats until they turn 8 in Ontario. Only 1 more year of assisted bending here!

And while the temper tantrums do tend to lessen both in intensity and number (but not in the non-understanding of what starts them) my spawn of the devil above gives proof to the fact that even almost 7 year olds can still go stiff as a board when they don't get their way.

Unfortunately, I'm here to tell you that even almost 9 year olds can behave like 2 year olds. I was booked to teach at the girls' school recently and up until 7:29 our morning routine went off without a hitch. Then the clock turned over to 7:30, here on after known as the witching hour. AKA the time we have to leave the house! That was when Allie discovered that her snow pants were missing. First she argued that yes, she had indeed hung them up yesterday (because she does this every day - NOT!) Yes, she did indeed remember carrying them home from the bus stop. No, she did indeed not leave them on the bus because she quite explicitly remembered carrying them off the bus and hanging them up at home. Yes indeed! Cue the crying and the wailing (I find at almost 9 they generally save throwing themselves on the ground for the bigger items - like when I say they can't have the piece of crap from the dollar store) This from the girl who I fought with more often than not to actually even get her to wear the freakin' snow pants. Then comes the blame game. Blame the younger sister for taking the snow pants which the younger sister,who is busy blaming someone for taking her agenda and homework out of her backpack, cuz, yes, she did indeed put them back in her backpack last night after completing her homework, denies. Blame me, who wasn't even home from teaching yesterday when they got home from school. Blame the dog cuz she always has a guilty look on her face. Suffice it to say, once the blame game was over (meaning there were no other humans or animals that had been in our house during the last 15 hours that could possibly have had the opportunity to move said snow pants) we make our way to school and lo and behold, those snow pants had miraculously accomplished the great escape and found their way right back to school where Allie promptly refused to put them on.

Do you think I'll ever win?

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Anonymous said...

Thats hilarios Denise


Mellisa said...

OMG!!! That's freakin' funny. And with pictures too. Did it make the kids at school look like angels? lol

brn2scrp said...

ROFLOL. That Linda Blair pic was just scary, btw. Gave me shivers! So, so sorry you have to deal with a 7-yo with Linda Blairitis ... ! Loved your post (as always). Hilarious.

PS - I once left the grocery store with a tantrummy 2 y.o., went home and put him in the corner for 5 minutes, and went back to the grocery store hoping against hope that my 3/4 full cart would still be there (it wasn't). The upside? That was the last tantrum he had at the grocery store ...

Jacqueline said...

This is hilarious! I have one that started his terrible twos before he was two and is still in them - he's 19! :)