Sunday, November 18, 2007

Public Service Announcement eyes, my eyes!

Warning...Internet surfing without parental controls and blocking software is a dangerous thing! Even if you are over 30...ok, ok....even if you are just a couple months into your 40s!

I'm getting ready for a Girl Guide bake sale. Amongst other things, one of the items the older girls make is a couple pieces of fabric sewn up to look like pants, with the leg holes sewn shut. These "pants" are then filled with bubblegum and tied at the top. They go by the not so appetizing name of "Bubble Butts." Surprisingly kids love them. Actually, I guess that isn't surprising at all. What with the words poop and fart bringing hours of enjoyment why wouldn't a whole bag of Bubble Butts providing legitimacy to be able to repeat the word butt every time you pop in a piece of gum not be appreciated by the average 7 year old boy?

Me, being the type to help out whenever I can to avoid things like laundry, vacuuming, yard work and other household tasks, offered to help make tags for the girls' bake sale items. So, I made tags for the Canine Cookies with a cute little clip art doggie and tags for the Kitty Cookies with a cute little clip art kitty and tags for the Bubble Butts with a cute little....PORN STAR!!!! google butts and just see what happens. And if that isn't enough for you, google blowing bubbles. I'm really not prudish at all but this stuff was SCARY! I just hope these peoples' parents never have to google butt or blowing bubbles - they could be in for a rude awakening when they see their son or daughter. And all these years they thought Suzie or Bobby worked in an office...Yeah, well...I guess I did see a filing cabinet in one of the shots.

Dan also had a glimpse into internet porn a while back. He was looking to buy a new camera so was checking out various camera shops on-line. He assures me that I really don't need to check out Seems the camera shop has a different site name.

Now, we let our kids use the computer. You know,, Webkins, Family Channel, etc. Pretty tame stuff (and some of it pretty addictive too. I quite enjoy a little Webkinz gaming after the kids are in bed) but until we get a blocker installed I don't think I'm even going to let them turn the computer on. I always thought we were safe. My kids would never google a "bad" word. All I need is for someone to google an otherwise innocent word and end up with 2, 984, 672 links to porn. Try to explain that one in a parent-teacher interview

Monday, November 12, 2007

I know Christmas is coming....

Not only because the ad/flyer bags have grown to well over 5 pounds each.

Not only because I recently spent 14 hours testing EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKIN. LIGHTBULB on the outside lights.

Not only because my kids can quote 17 toy commercials...EACH!

Not only because I can't find anything at Wal-Mart since their Christmas display has displaced every other department.

Not only because Rosie's Christmas CD is playing on a constant loop - oh wait...the kids play that all year!

Not only because my Master Card is melting from constant swiping - oh wait...that happens all year too!

My biggest clue that Christmas is coming is that there has been...

A miracle on XXXXXX Street!

XXXXXX being my street, not the local adult strip - you can never be too careful disclosing personal info on the internet, ya know? Of course, most of you reading this know my name and address anyway, or could look me up on Canada411, Facebook, or the old-fashioned (gasp) but fairly efficient when the power is out, phonebook, but that one stalker guy who regularly lurks on random blogs doesn't need to know.

Back to the miracle...

Dan is cleaning out the garage.

That in itself is a minor miracle.

The earth shattering miracle - are you sitting down? - is that Dan actually THREW. SOMETHING. OUT!

Like in the garbage!

Like in he no longer wants it!

Like in this has absolutely never happened before!

So, you wanna know what he threw out? A 40 foot power cord for our travel trailer. And you know what? This power cord was perfectly good....except for the fact that it was in about 18 chunks after the neighbours ran over it with their lawn tractor this summer trying to do a neighbourly good deed.

I'm hoping this will start a trend and that all garage items that are broken, worn out or missing pieces will soon meet an equally inexplicable demise. Why, if being worn out was the single category used to determine a garage item's worth then we could surely get rid of the 18 tires stored above the garage door. Really, if they aren't good enough to be put back on a vehicle why are we keeping them? No offense to all of you with little garden planters made out of cut up tires. Admit it, you've all admired these, especially the ones painted bright pink to go with the house trim. Now that I think of it though, this may be a purely Maritime type of garden decor... and I use the term decor very loosely here...but tire planters just aren't my thing.

A few years back, when the used tire collection was still in the single digits, I did search out a pattern to creat a tire swing that looks like a horse. Really cute...for 3 year olds...but my 8 1/2 year old probably wouldn't be caught dead on it now...not really cool, ya know? Of course we could make a regular old tire swing - if our trees were about 15 years older and 10 inches wider - but what would we do with the 17 other tires?

I guess I'll just have to accept the miracle as it came. But one can only hope that the "I'm going to get rid of all my t-shirts from junior high" miracle can't be far behind.

Monday, November 5, 2007

I must apologize for my absence

I haven't posted in almost a month. But I do have have a great excuse, I mean reason. Dan come home a little earlier than expected so I had to run around doing all those little things I promised him I would do. Ok, it was 2 things. 2 pretty little things. Anyway, he came home a week early but to a well painted picnic table and nicely coated rust spots on the car.

Since Dan has been home I've had to give up lounging on the couch while watching TV and eating bon bons (well, usually just potato chips.) and internet surfing. Instead, I've had to look incredibly busy. So far, I've managed to fool him for the last 2 weeks but things are gonna get a little harder - he doesn't go back to work until December 3rd - not sure how I can continue this for 4 more weeks! I know all the wives who just read this are sharing in my agony. I think he may have caught on to the fact that I keep refolding the same load of laundry over and over. Also, I am readjusting to the whole "a meal consists of more than a waffle" routine. Mind you he hasn't been eating at 5 star restaurants for the last 7 months so sloppy joes (from a can) really went over well. He was lucky enough to come home the week of my regular gourmet club meeting so he did get one supremely excellent Italian dish, lucky for him I was providing the main course and not the salad.

Dan has also had to do some readjusting since he has been home - mainly learning how to drive in a non-suicide bomber atmosphere. He has always been a very concientious driver but now he never signals (doesn't want anyone to know what he is planning on doing - not sure the OPP will agree with this tactic), races through yellow lights so he never has to sit in traffic (sitting still is very dangerous in Afghanistan, just annoying here) and veers over 3 lanes if he sees a white Toyota Corolla (seems this is the vehicle of choice for suicide bombers.) Luckily for the Ottawa public, his deployment readjustment papers say that it will only take about 6 months for him to be back to normal. Lucky for him he drives a B-I-G truck so people generally move out of his way.

I'm teaching tomorrow so I have to go iron a teacher outfit. He'll really know I'm trying to fool him then as I never iron!